Sunday, December 23, 2007

Best Crimes of Dallas-Fort Worth in 2007

By Chad Jones

In 2007, the Dallas-Fort Worth area saw its overwhelming share of crimes and capers (#1 in the country, baby!—though that's contested and fudged).

Despite increased efforts—the tearing down of drug houses, the installation of crime-fighting cameras both downtown and in the south, the use of emailable crime alerts and online crime maps—a bevy of bandits managed to wreak their personal havocs, big and small.

When compiling this list, it was tough to narrow down what "best" means. Are these the "best" crimes because they're unforgettable? Are they "best" because they were recurring or widely-reported? Were they well-executed, or somewhat clever? How about surreal, egregious or really stupid?

Like the guy who hijacked a truck of Skittles (#21), the woman who used a cake to distract her son-in-law and tried to shoot him (#18), or the guy who gave a toddler some pot (#7), these crimes are a bit of each: almost always awful, but definitely memorable.

#25 - The naked high-speed chase

• In a church van, no less. Winner of "Most Searing Mental Image."

#24 - Violent ice cream rivalry

• In June, ice cream vendor Mario Hernandez, armed with a baseball bat, attacked a different ice cream vendor in Grapevine. Hernandez is honored for his new definition of turf war as well as his aggressive salesmanship.

#23 - Cop caught on red light camera gets off

• Off scot free, that is. Because some red-light violators are more equal than others.

#22 - The case of the stolen fish

• A.k.a. "Is that a fish in your pants or are you just an idiot?" This thief is awarded for both his culinary taste as well as his balls, which are hopefully actually literally made of brass.
• Runner up for "dumb things to steal": toilet parts

If you suck on a Skittle for a few minutes, it turns all white and mushy and weird and then you would have wished you hadn't.

#21 - The skedaddled Skittles

• This Dallas thief is honored for his desire to taste the rainbow at any cost.

#20 - Smashing and grabbing

Basically, the "smash and grab," also known as "crash and grab" or "other verbs + grab," is a technique by which people ram their cars (usually trucks) inside convenience stores and steal whatever they can (usually ATMs). The mindset can be summed up as such.

#19 - Teenage Burleson Radical Christians

• Not as catchy of a name as the Turtles, but these three industrious teens tried to set fire to a church, citing a desire to "wake up society." Yes, a Molotov cocktail should do the trick.
• Leave it to pagans in Saginaw to get the job done.

#18 - Worst cake ever

• A.k.a. "oh, this is delicious hey what a—BLAMBLAM."
• A Rowlett woman used a combination of cake and T.V. to distract her son-in-law just long enough to shoot at him.

#17 - Stuck between Iraq and a hard place

• An intrepid former school teacher for Sunnyvale ISD had her home raided and was arrested for her connection to money laundering in Iraq. In her defense, come on, you try retiring on a teacher's salary.

#16 - The deaf man, the diss and the crowbar

• After being "dissed" by a deaf customer who so rudely wouldn't make small talk, a self-respecting 20-year-old Family Dollar clerk defended his honor. In turn, we honor you, sir, for doing what anyone else would do: throwing change in the deaf man's face and striking his head with a crowbar.

Crooks, look into the face of your worst nightmare.

#15 - Foiled by fowl

Out of pity and exceptional circumstances do we nominate this burglar, who was just going about his business, milling around in someone else's garage, when this pet parrot started talking and eventually woke up his owner, who then got all freaked out and shot the burglar. You plan for dogs, and you plan for guns, but you really don't plan for parrots, and it's just not fair.

#14 - The copper craze

2007 was also an outstanding year for copper craving criminals, whose lust for the luminous metal compelled them to steal and steal, steal from children, electrocute themselves, flood apartments and disconnect phone systems. The crimes were prevalent enough for Time Warner to offer a $10,000 reward and for other companies to develop special tracking technology.

#13 - Denton is on fire

Of all the arsons this year (eh, not sure, there were lots), the city of Denton had the most memorable. First, its only gay bar went up in smoke in March (hey, cool it with the "flaming" jokes), leaving some to wonder the obvious. And then the beloved Tomato caught the heat three months later. We salute you, Denton arsonists, for making the city sizzle.

You can run but you ca—well, not "run." That's definitely not running.

#12 - The case of Rocky the ransacked raccoon

• At the start of the year, we broke the story of an elderly woman who was caught on tape stealing from Bagelstein's Deli. In lieu of money, or silverware, or even food, the homey hobbler swiped a raccoon-shaped toothpick dispenser. Rocky (the dispenser's name, of course), was eventually returned, and the thief lives on, waddling into the sunset.

#11 - Spreading the love

We gotta commend HIV-positive Willie Atkins for his awful yet prolific attempts to single-handedly and selfishly infect the entire human race.

#10 - Faux po-po

2007 was a good year for pretending to be a police officer. Whether you were

• posing as cops with intent to rob in Garland
• writing fake tickets for bribes in Dallas
• confiscating purses in Arlington or
• conducting fake traffic stops in Irving, in Fort Worth, and Murphy so you could assault women

#9 - The white collar champs

Hitting someone with a crowbar is a feat in its own right. But the men and women at the helms of the economy and government aim higher, setting their sights on far-reaching financial snafus. Let us take notes from

• the North Texas Tollway Authority and their toll booth slush fund
• the Dallas NAACP and their alleged "misused" funds
• TXU's bilking and insider trading
• the Dallas Modern Art museum's "financial mismanagement"
• a Rockwall DA and his pocketing of tax payer money
• Fossil's stock-option backdating
• a Dallas man's conspiracy to manipulate stock prices
• and Benny Hinn Ministries and their defiance of the U.S. Senate

You can poop but you can't hide.

#8 - The case of the unscooped poop

• We hear the award ceremony for "Biggest Hypocrite" will be held at Lee Harvey's.

#7 - There's pot in them there fields!

• 2007 was an excellent year for pot growers and smokers, whether they gave some to a toddler or got busted after being shot or were pardoned by the Governor.
• Even more impressive was the mass of massive marijuana fields found all over. We're talking "record pot seizures," enormous plots of pot, near the Trinity River, in Rockwall and particularly on the Dallas-Grand Prairie border (here, here and here).

#6 - Dateline NBC vs. Murphy, Texas

In the beginning, NBC's hit show To Catch a Predator set up a regular, formulaic sex sting within the town of Murphy—something the show has done all over the nation. While all the perps were technically "caught" in 2006, the results of an investigation into the show's methods spilled over into next June, when a Collin County DA tossed out all the cases due to insufficient evidence.

#5 - Thieves, robbers, bandits, oh my

Unfortunately, the Leprechaun bandit was in fact not a leprechaun at all.

• A slew of crooks also enjoyed themselves this year. Some claimed to be God, others used hot coffee as a weapon, others enjoyed yogurt, while one dressed in drag. Still others couldn't be bothered to dress up.
• Possibly the bigger offense was the awkward and sensational names given to the robbers by the media/police. "The Leprechaun robber." "The Scarecrow Bandits. "The Elmer Fudd robber." And so on.

#4 - DISD and the scandal of the credit cards

• Thanks to the muck-raking efforts of dallas.org's Allen Gwinn, 2007 saw the investigation into Dallas ISD's misuse of district credit cards. Guilt surfaced in February, charges in March, narrowed blame came in May and, alas, conviction hit in September. One wonders if the district can't do honest math, how will the kids?

After the spread of cheese, other drugs, such as Strawberry Quick, or "flavored meth," tried to ride its popularity.

#3 - Got any cheeeese?

• 2007 saw the infiltration of the cutest-named drug of all time: cheese. This mix of Tylenol and heroin spread throughout D-FW, freaked out everyone in the nation (mainly the media, of course) and got some special White House attention.

#2 - The crimes that never happened

Pesky DNA evidence, always getting in the way of us getting the bad guy. What will become of our justice system if criminals who didn't commit the crimes they were charged for were let free? The horror. Shame on you, Innocence Project of Texas and your lofty goals.

Photo by Laura Evans

The true crime is that misguided apostrophe.

#1 - Sagging pants

Alright, technically sagging your pants in Dallas isn't a crime. But it would be if Deputy Mayor Pro Tem Dwaine Caraway had his way. His plans for an ordinance against low-hanging britches were scrapped for a less unconstitutional public relations campaign, complete with billboards, a kinda-offensive rap song and a visit to Dr. Phil.

We honor you, pant saggers, with the 2007 PEGASUS NEWS BEST CRIME AWARD. While your publicly-aired bare asses are ridiculous, I'd personally rather stare at them when I go to 7-11 than the alternative, which is a Dallas police officer with a gun on one hip and a ruler on the other.

Oh, and the trophy comes in belt form. Is that cool?

Related stories

• Final 2007 Dallas Crime stats show 10% increase in robbery (Jan. 9, 2008)

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• Crime

Comments

Chad Jones Staff

Stealing $100,000 worth of beer is a noble feat. Ay, it pained me much to trim it from the list.

11 months, 2 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )